Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Who's On the Menu?

Every single bite I take makes me wonder if I'm crazy or if I've already become one of them.....

It was about a week after the breakout. All of the news reports ended. The television was filled with blank screens. Every radio station turned to high pitched scratch. I only had a very limited amount of DVDs. I had to let Smokey and the cats go free because I didn't feel fit to take care of them anymore. I couldn't even take care of myself. I hadn't been outside since the day my world turned to ash. I was bored. I was lonely. I was fucking hungry.

I had eaten everything in my house, from the canned tuna to the spoiled milk. A week was a long time and alot of meals, especially when you don't go outside to the supermarket. I just couldn't bring myself to leave. I didn't want to pass the headstones that I carved and the graves that I dug. They brought back too many memories of a former life.

After a few days of borderline starvation, I realized it was either eat or die. So before the thought of leaving the house, I gave every pantry one last check for scraps. Didn't find a goddamn thing in my house. I went downstairs into Joe's apartment and still found nothing in the cabinets. There was nothing left in the refrigerator. However, there was something in the freezer that I completely disregarded, up until now. The remains of Joe's body. At that point, it looked like a fine porterhouse steak, just waiting to be devoured. So, I did what had to be done. I took his thigh, let it thaw out for a few hours and prepared it for broiling. We Brazilians love the taste of meat with only a seasoning of salt. The natural flavor of the meat can be tasted at its full potential. I chopped the meat into small pieces then threw it in the oven. 10 minutes on each side and it was ready. Yeah, I know what you are thinking, "that was infected flesh." And you're right, it was. I figured that cooking the meat would either kill the infection or mutate it to something far less extreme.

After I let it cool down a bit, I noticed that it actually looked a bit like boneless beef ribs. And let me tell you, maybe it was because I was starving, but the first bite was like heaven. It tasted like someone took a prime rib and crossed it with filet mignon. I had never tasted anything so fucking delicious. It was like the first time I tried halal food from the halal guys on 56th street. I was in complete and utter awe. I had to have more. I went through Joe's entire body within days. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were Joe steak, Joe sandwich, and Sloppy Joes. It was only a matter of time until I would crave more. I had no choice but to go outside and get more. I wasn't going to eat the dead body in my yard because I figured it was all spoiled. I needed fresh or frozen meat. So I spent the next couple of days preparing myself for a hunt.

I needed to be undetectable. I decided to look and smell just like they did. I grabbed the Halloween costume that I wore last year that was a zombie doctor outfit. It was complete with white contacts that gave my eyes that cold, lifeless look. I quickly ran outside and cut myself a piece of mailman to rub all over my coat to mask my living scent. Next, I had to have a good weapon and good fighting skills. So I took my axe and sharpened it, razor thin. But it needed a name. I wasn't sure about a name until I started watching random fight scenes from my small collection of films. "Kill Bill" was my favorite in the bunch. She could kill numerous amounts of conscious men with ease. Her name in the film was Beatriz Kiddo. As would be the name of my weapon. She would become my most prized possession and my best friend.

After my preparation, I opened the back door and began my hunt. There weren't any zombies in sight. I needed a way to attract them to me so that I wouldn't have to stray too far from my house. I needed to make sure I could get back inside in case my plan failed. So, I decided to slam into a few parked cars. Their alarms were certainly loud enough to catch the attention of anything within a 4 block radius. I waited patiently for about 5 minutes until i finally saw the first sign of life. Or death? There were 3 of them walking around aimlessly. I creeped up as close as I could to test my disguise. They didn't seem to aim their attention toward me in the least. So I took full advantage and swung my axe with full force. The first blow was quick and fatal, leaving the first zombie completely lifeless. Then, I decided to have a little fun. I was going to make every single fucking zombie pay for my misery. And it started with the remaining 2. I took out one leg from each of them, using Beatriz's powerful sting. Then I proceeded to detach the rest of their limbs with my bare hands. I used the limbs to beat their skulls in until they were only recognizable as roadkill.
After my brutality was over, I threw the bodies over my shoulders and dragged them to the house. Two of them were thrown into a pile along with the mail man. And the other one was chopped into pieces and thrown into the freezer. Food for days!!!

And so it would was. The fear was gone. Every chance I got, I became a hunter and gatherer. I would hunt for a few victims and devour their carcases. I would use the time I spent, waiting for them, to gather a few luxuries and necessities. I made trips to blockbuster for new movies and television shows to watch. Gathered food supplies and grooming equipment. There was time to create a more secure barrier around my house, just in case. I was building the perfect fort. I was building the perfect me. You would think that there was no need to eat the dead, now that I wasn't afraid to travel to the supermarket. But, it wasn't that simple. I craved them. I couldn't go more than a few days without feeling the need to kill. I had to feed....

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Choosing a Proper Hideout

Everyone has heard the saying “you can run but you can’t hide.” Yeah, well I say that’s bull! You can definitely hide. In fact, in this zombie infested wasteland I’d say hiding is your best bet. However, the reality is that the vast majority of us are not skilled builders or contractors who can go into a house board up every single window and door, and fortify the place into an impenetrable fortress to safeguard us from the infected. So for the vast majority of us, here are some tips on choosing a proper hide out.

Tip #1 Attics are better than basements

Now I know what you’re going to say; you’re going to tell me “but basements are underground and have no windows so nothing can see you.” This is very true. However, you can easily be trapped in a basement. If the infected do happen to break into the house you’re as good as dead sitting in a basement. They typically only have one entrance and exit and you will have no way out should you become surrounded. Attics are better because their entrances are usually hidden and difficult to see. Also we can assume that the zombies wouldn’t be coordinated enough to find the entrance to the attic or to find a way to climb up there. Also, some attics offer a window that allows you to look outside which is good for you to be able to survey your surroundings and keep track of the days and nights without having to leave your hiding spot. Should you find yourself surrounded and trapped in the attic, you can use the window as a means for escape. Overall, attics tend to be better hiding places than basements.

Tip #2 Beware of windows

Zombies have a nasty tendency of crashing through windows and breaking their way into places. I know this may seem inconsiderate, but they are trying to eat you so manners don’t really play a role here. Picking a hide out with as few windows as possible is useful because it allows you to move around inside without many places for you to be seen. Also, it’s less work for you to have to cover up fewer windows. It is especially important to pick a hideout with as few windows on the ground level. Since these are the most easily accessible windows it is important that there be as few of them as possible. Also many people like to hide out in grocery stores or supermarkets. While this may seem like a good idea due to all the food and water you have to remember that these stores often always have huge windows and large glass doors. They can be easily smashed through and you will be visible in almost every area of the store. Unless the zombies have never seen you going into the supermarket I wouldn’t suggest hiding there.

Tip #3 Buildings are useful

Seeing that I’m from New York I have access to a lot of buildings. These served useful for me in my adventures because they offer excellent places to hide. Multiple floors offer different ways around the inside of the building. Also most of the bigger buildings have multiple exits which should come in handy in a sticky situation. Of course you have to make sure that whatever area of the building you are going into is clear of any danger (i.e. NO ZOMBIES!) The one drawback is that buildings, particularly the larger ones in the city, have many places where the infected can be waiting for you and it may be difficult to clear out the entire building. Stick to focusing on one floor at a time. Be certain that whichever floor of the building you are on is clear of any flesheaters, try to make as little noise as possible at all times and remaining unseen is always essential.

For those of you who can fortify a two story home into an impenetrable fortress of zombie fighting power, congratulations you’re amazing. For the rest of us normal people, these tips should come in handy when looking for a place to escape from zombies or just to spend a night or two.