Monday, January 24, 2011

Even Michael Jordan Lost Games

[Sitting on the roof top of one of the projects buildings, looking out into the zombie infested Bronx Streets]

(Guitar String)

And here's the situation
Been to every nation

(Guitar String)
Nobody's ever made me feel the way that you do

You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude

(Guitar String)

But tonight I'm Impregnating you

(Jay MF Ruez Bachata Remix of tonight I’m loving you by Enrique Iglesias)

Hate it when I get so romantic and emotional and shit….. girls might start thinking that the Chosen One’s pimp hand is slipping, it’s not. But even Michael Jordan lost games, Daddy needs to relax this hardcore zombie killing and women loving poetic exterior sometimes J. I’ve been cooped up for too long, time to go out looking for Miss Awesome again. Apparently she’s been searching for me in all of the wrong places. It’s cool though, how many beautiful women have a good sense of direction? Not one Miss Universe had Archeology or Exploration as their favorite hobbies during the modeling competition questions, not a mothafukn one.

Hooked up the machetes, glasses, and Cutie (My Guitar). Today we going with the white button up, skinny Burberry tie, fresh light jeans, Black pea coat with the Burberry pattern interior, and Gucci slip on shoes. “Jay you trying to kill these people that are already dead!?!” LOOKING COOLER THAN A MOTHAFUKA, if I do say so myself J. This outfit is going to make the zombie girls all over NY chase me. That’s not surprising though, Daddy is the chosen one after all

Head out, no destination in particular in mind, you would think I would be more selective of where I’m going since there are thousands of people trying to kill me, I’m immature though, what can I say J. Walked by a McDonalds, God knows that those Golden Arches were the source of much joy in my life. “Big Mac, no vegetables” “Excuse me sir did you say no vegetables?” “Ahem, yes we like manly burgers here, none of the green bullshit.” Now for those healthy haters out there, riddle me this. How many vegetarians survived this zombie shit? Oooh not a 1? SHUT THE FUCK UP!

In the middle of reminiscing about my burger love I hear some giggling in a zombie tone. Use my peripheral and notice 7:50 and Rupaul playing pattie cake. And out of immature instinct I say “AINT NO MAN PLAYING NO MOTHAFUKN PATTICAKE” 7:50 caught himself and looked like a deer in headlights, he had that “his mother just caught him jerking off” surprised look on his face. Rupaul was consoling him, like “Its ok, Its ok. Jay MF Ruez just don’t undahstand us.” Seems like 7:50 remembered his gangster roots because he stood up and squared up as if he was about to give me the phone jack in jail knock-out punch. Unlike my last adventures I had had enough of running, I pulled out the machetes and said in the most gangster tone I could muster “I AINT LOOSING TO NO MOTHAFUKA PLAYIN PATTIeCAKE, SUCK MY… wait wait (this dude might take that as a request). BEEN DYING TO KILL ONE OF YOU FUCKS, BRING IT ON!” I started swinging the machetes but Rupaul and 7:50 were bobbing and weaving them as if they were Kun-Fu movie stars. Then I heard Rupaul giggle and I snapped, swung the shit out of machete in my right hand and cut off a piece of his wig, Rupaul let out a girly shriek. 7:50 went to console her and they started retreating. I very immaturely begin to chase them “NAH YA WAS TALKING SHIT, Jet-Li would fuck up Jackie Chan Any Day, Dodging me and SHIT. STOP RUNNING YOU B……..” Turned the corner to notice an entire zombie block party. These mothafuckas were having a town-hall meeting or something, probably to complain about me. “OOOOOO SHHHIIIIITTTTT!” I know I said no running but FUCK THAT. I was running so fast that when I looked behind me to see how close the zombies were I swear that I could see the bottom of my shoes. Turned a corner and broke the field of vision and slipped into an ally. Apparently this was Rupaul’s & 7:50s former date spot because they pointed in my direction with no hesitation.

Now there are zombies covering both my right and left exits. “Lord, I think this might be it, tell all the beautiful women that Daddy tried and” Shwoosh, A fire escape ladder drops in front of me and there is a chubby joint with a mustache and dirty white Nike uptowns (Do not ask me how I noticed so many details in that millisecond) waiting at the fire escape. I climbed the shit out of that ladder. 7:50 and Rupaul are holding each other, crying. I was still shaking so I didn’t even get a chance to even do my traditional awesome victory speech after getting away. This below average looking chick looks me in the eye and says,

“You are an idiot.”

And I very politely respond

“But I’m the mothafukn chosen one.”

“You are the what? Don’t give a fuck if you are Enrique Iglesias, now that you are safe, wait for the zombies to leave then get out.”

“What? (Why isn’t this chubby joint totally in love and trying to convince me to stay and fulfill the prophecy, albeit due to her looks she was definitely not included.)

“Did all that running make you deaf get out as soon as they leave.”

“Were you bitten”

she responds


“Are you…… blind?”,



“No What the fuck is it with all of the questions?”

I cannot believe that she was dumping me, ME!! JAY MF RUEZ, the legendary Jay MOTHAFUKN RUEZ, the chosen one.

“What’s your name?”

“None of your business, get out”

Bitch did not even give a name, I was honestly contemplating jumping into the zombie pool right then and there, this ugly chick just deaded me. In one of my best outfits mind you, cutie had no effect on her. How dare she! Zombies need to eat the shit out of her just based on principle, for having bad taste, dare I say no taste because even lesbians can’t resist Cutie (My Guitar).

Now Haters, even Jordan lost games, but I don’t ever remember him being blown out by 100 points in a game against one of the worst NBA teams, in this case they would have been handicap players in wheelchairs judging by how this girl looks. What haters need to remember though is that although Jordan didn’t win a championship every season of his career he is still considered one of the greatest athletes of all time. So fuck-it this was an unexpected loss. Your judgment of me is irrelevant, I’m the chosen one and ugly chicks were not part of the plan anyways, hence the prophecy had a loophole to justify this blasphemy. Kisses and Hugs Haters J.


Jay MF Ruez

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