Wednesday, February 16, 2011

This is why no one likes Mondays

Charlie was nibbling my hand, beckoning me to wake up. I lifted my hand and turned over in my bed, giving my back to him. He took this as the signal to bark, loudly and repeatedly. "I’m up. I’m up. Are you happy, now?" I got two barks which I took as "No. I will not be happy 'til I’m walked and fed." I threw on some sweats, a hoodie, baseball cap to mask gnarly morning hair, and headed out of my bedroom. Charlie was already waiting by the front door, knowing that soon he’d be basking in the beautiful sun outside. I reached for the door, getting ready to release the beast, when something caught the corner of my eye through the front window. It looked like a grown man sprawled on my front lawn - fully dressed in a tuxedo, but no shoes. As I took a closer look, now from the safety of the door’s peep-hole, shoes were not the only things missing. I backed slowly toward my couch and scooped up the bag my friend Cray had gotten for me. I rummaged, looking for my cell. Why did she get me such a big bag?! I could never find anything in this damn thing. It was pretty though, and sparkled in the light. I smiled to myself as I held the bag up to the sun, and lost myself for a moment in fashion euphoria... only to be rudely brought back to the world by a thump at my door. I finally grabbed hold of my cell and cautiously went toward the door. I scanned the front window, hoping to find the thing still on my lawn. He was not there, leading me to believe it was at my door. Charlie was riled up, hopping maybe 2 or so inches off the ground as Multipoos tend to do when overly excited. I checked the peep hole - holy crap - I gasped aloud - Thump. It was out there, and had just looked me in the eye through the peep-hole. "What do I do?" - Thump, Thump - "Charlie, please shush, I must think!" O.k., it looked pretty beat up. There had to be some logical explanation to his being sprawled on my lawn and missing part of his jaw… right? "May, get it together! You are a renowned lawyer, breathe" - Thump - "I'm coming!!!" I gingerly opened the door, wide enough as not to be rude, narrow enough to slam in this things face in a nanosecond. Unfortunately, it proved to be just right for Charlie to slip out. I threw open the door and only thought about it afterwards. Thank God this thing's attention was on Charlie. "Charlie, get back here," I yelled. Charlie paid no heed, as he was now growling and maneuvering around this thing. I changed my approach and started calling to the man/thing. "Hey... hey dude. Peeper guy. Hello! Why don’t you leave my dog alone! He has every right to growl; this is his… Hey! Get your hands off of my Charlie!!!" Charlie was now barely escaping the things attempts to catch him. He ran under my hydrangeas for shelter, and cat-like began fending off the guy's hands with his paw-swats. This was enough! I knew I had pepper spray in my purse, at the very least! In the seconds it took to grab the bag, I heard a squeal...My heart raced, and I ran out with the bag in hand. I looked toward the hydrangeas. Charlie was holding his little paw up, and their seemed to be blood. "You sonofabitch, you scratched my dog!!! What the fuck is your problem?!" I began to whack the peeper - that was now on its knees trying to drag Charlie out - with the bag. This did little to nothing … For some reason, I began to bargain with the peeper. "Look, this bag is worth a lot of money. It has a lot of money in it. Just drop the need for my dog and leave!" He proceeded to get up, and I thought my plea bargaining had worked. I warily started heading back to my door. And then it happened... It turned to me and made direct eye contact as I stood in the doorway, and I saw that what used to be a man most certainly was not anymore. The eyes were so dark - literally a vacant glazed black pool. I slammed the door just in time, as it sprinted towards me. I was shaking. I dropped the bag and realized the phone was still clutched in my right hand. I called my best friend Cray. Maybe she could make sense of this nightmare. She recently moved up the block, and I needed her to get here ASAP! “Come on, pick up!” I kept glancing out my front window, hoping that this man… thing… would just disappear! “Hello?” Oh, thank God she picked up… "Seriously, you’re already talking to me about your outfit?"…I began to cry.. "There’s this thing outside, harassing Charlie. I bargained that piece-of-shit bag for Charlie and he, he scoffed at it and..." I was babbling and tried to calm myself. I looked out the window. I dropped my phone... That thing had Charlie in its grasp! I shut the phone, threw open my door, grabbed the first thing next to the bushes by my door, and proceeded to beat, smash, and I lost myself… When I came to, I just remember hearing Cray screaming and holding me... and the echo of my own anguished yells.

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