Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Goodbye Cookie

One last time, we're let down today. One last time, until we fade away.....

I loved her so much. I love her still. Each day that passes makes me miss her more and drives me closer to insanity. I wait for the day that I meet my match and I can join her in the afterlife. I can't just give up my life so easily though. I promised her I would fight. I promised her I would find out who was responsible. I promised her I would make them pay!

The day that I lost her was the longest, hardest day of my life. We woke up that morning in my bed, both wondering if what we witnessed was just a terrible nightmare. However, the bandages on her back told us that that was just wishful thinking. This was real. It was the end of days. As promised, I ran into the garage and salvaged whatever was left of Joe's tools and wood. Joe was renovating the basement for about a year now, and he had plenty of useful things to work with. I spent hours trying to board up all of the windows and light leaks that could be seen from outside of the house. I didn't want to take a single chance. I'm not a carpenter, nor am I a contractor. But, I did the best I could with the materials that I had. It wasn't perfect, but I got the job done. As long as my baby was safe, I didn't care.

After my attempt at construction, I went to check on Shelah. She wasn't looking so hot. She actually looked kind of feverish. Damn, was this a bad time to get sick. I gave her some Advil and told her to get some rest. Hopefully the drugs would reduce her fever. While she slept, I cooked whatever I could put together. There was dry spinach and arugula along with some raw chicken. I threw some seasoning on the chicken and tossed it in the oven. I put it all together and made a grilled chicken caesar. That was one of our favorite, quick meals.

She was still asleep when I brought up the food. She looked so peaceful aside from being extremely pale. I couldn't help but daydream for a moment. Memories of a better time came to mind. I remembered the days we spent together in Atlantic City, when it was just the two of us. Coming back to the room, after playing poker all day, to see her waiting for a hug and a kiss from her man.
I remember the time that she went out drinking with her friends all night, while I stayed home and slept. She snuck into my house and into my room just because she wanted to be in my arms while she slept. Those were the good days, the great times, the happy life.

I felt her forehead before waking her. Her fever appeared to be gone. But, now her forehead was ice cold. I was worried so I tried to wake her up. I shook and shook until she finally opened her eyes. Her white, lifeless eyes looked right up at me and, immediately, I knew. She was gone. An empty shell of what used to be my everything, my life, my future.
I knew what had to be done but, I couldn't bring myself to just kill her and get it over with. There was so much that I needed to tell her. I had to say goodbye. I tied her to the bed and gagged her so that she couldn't bite. I spoke to whatever was left of her inside that body. And, I'll never forget my final words to her:

"Baby, I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you. I fought as hard as I could and did my best. My best just wasn't good enough to keep u safe. I'll never forgive myself for that. I hope u can forgive me though. I wont stop fighting now. I promise I'll find the fucks who are responsible for this. I promise that they'll all pay for what happened to you and my mother.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be everything that u deserved me to be for you. I could have been a better man for you. I'm sorry for every moment I missed with you. You were always more important to me than my job, my films, and my games. I'm sorry for every time I hurt your feelings or fought with you. I never told you that you were always right, even when you were wrong. I'm sorry for every single tear that you've ever shed because of me. I wanted to take away all of your pain, not bring you more. Most of all, I'm sorry that I broke my first promise to you. A promise that we would get married and bring the two most amazing children into this world.
I promise that I'll make it all up to you in the afterlife. We can relive all of the amazing moments we shared together and create new ones. I'll be with you soon enough. Goodbye Cookie. Tell my mother that I love her when u see her in Heaven"

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