Tuesday, January 25, 2011

So Young, So Beautiful.... 2/4

There she is, she is such an angel, with her beautiful blue eyes and short bouncy strawberry blonde hair. Those adorable dimples that just beg you to pinch her soft cheeks. I carry her picture with me every where I go, and the end of the world is no different....

I woke up today knowing that each breath may be my last. Today I continue slowly to the bridge, and tomorrow I cross. The biggest problem I see in this journey is that the bridge only has two exits, a mile apart. I can easily become surrounded on both sides with no way to go. I can only imagine how congested with abandoned vehicles and the walking infected the bridge will be. The only choice I have in the matter is upper or lower level. But i'll leave all the decisions for tomorrow. Today I have to figure out a place to spend the night close to the bridge. Hopefully its not like last night....

After another short travel yesterday, I had a run in with a few infected. I found my way in to the local grocery store to pick up a few essentials: water, jerky and bread. I don't have a checklist like most other survivors. There would only be one item on it, which is "get in and out as fast as you possibly can."

Getting in was not a problem, just picked up the most durable tool I could find and I smashed the lock repeatedly. The big problem was getting out. Apparently, the loud "ping" of the metal to metal contact attracted a group of three nearby infected who were now in the way of my exit (happens to me far too often). Luckily, the supermarket i found myself in carried more than just food, they also had garden tools. The obvious options were weed scissors or garden hoe. Garden hoe seemed to be the better of the choices, knowing that the length of the tool would mean that i could keep my distance. Moving quickly, I circled the three infected and kept swinging for their heads (killing the brain seemed to always do the trick). These three were slow moving, so the task was not as difficult as i thought. Standing proud, over their lifeless bodies, I felt invincible, like nothing could go wrong after that swift victory.

Grabbing the duffel bag, that I stocked with my essentials, I ran for the exit to continue my journey. Great, more infected, I guess next time I should be a bit more careful with the amount of noise I create. These were not like the ones I came in contact with moments before. These infected were clearly more advanced, their motor skills appeared to be better than the newly infected. And, unfortunately, I was greatly outnumbered, fourteen to one. Was this going to be it? Were all my previous efforts just a waste? How could I possibly get myself out of this predicament?

Suddenly, a loud horn could be heard in the nearby streets, followed my several car alarms. I noticed that all of the infected were greatly distracted and this was the perfect opportunity to make my escape. I decided to run back into the supermarket and lock the doors until I could find a safer moment to be back on the street.

After about a minute or so, the infected began to move toward the sirens. And, like an idiot that I swore not to become, I followed in curiosity. Was the creator of the distraction protecting me? Or was this just a completely lucky coincidence? Slowly creeping behind the infected who recently surrounded me and always looking behind me, I continued in the path to find my savior. One after the other, the alarms turned off and the infected began to lose interest. Just when I thought they would turn around and notice me once again, a tall man, built like an ox, came out of nowhere and attacked. The man carried an axe in his hand and appeared to wear a costume covered in blood. The axe was double-sided and looked like a medieval weapon. His eyes were as white as snow, his shoulders at least three feet wide, quite possibly scarier than any infected I have come across.

The man killed all fourteen infected with ease, and I noticed that not a single one of them fought back or were attracted to his scent. After the final deathly blow, the man caught me in his sights, he ran towards me like a bull seeing red and i yelled "I'm not infected!!!" He then stopped, removed his face mask, and said only five words that were very odd to me. He said "Grab one and follow me." I wasn't about to argue with him, especially after seeing his handy work. I grabbed a body and followed him to his place of shelter. His home was well boarded up and protected with several locks and chains. I could tell from the inside that any light source given off, within the shelter, would not be visible from the streets. This man was well prepared for this.

We made several short trips back to the street to collect the dead. Every time we entered his shelter, he would bring the infected to his yard and toss them in a pile, except for one. The one that he kept was chopped into pieces and placed in the freezer along with several, already frozen body parts. I'm not going to lie, I was both frightened and curious. I didn't have the mind or the stomach to ask why he was keeping these parts in the freezer. Although, i knew exactly why there was a pile in the yard, their stench was masking the scent of the living. Smart tactic.

He told me his name, and I shared mine. His name was Isaac, a suitable name for a man with a size of Biblical proportion. He apologized for his hideous appearance and explained that the blood on his costume was infected blood that hides his scent ( I assumed that is why he was not attacked by his infected victims). He said that his white eyes were contact lenses used to make him look as lifeless as the infected and his axe was his prized possession. We didn't exchange much dialogue, probably because I was still shaken by everything that i have just witnessed. He fed me and offered me shelter for the night. But, he said that I would have to be gone in the morning because he did not want to have anyone holding him back or distracting him while he attempted to survive the end of the world. I didn't mind much because I already had plans for the next day.

He fed me beans from a can and stale bread. He had something different on his menu, something in the meat group. I noticed that before cooking, he went into his freezer, the same freezer that was stocked with arms, legs and the torso of one of the recently killed infected. Freaked me the fuck out! I could only imagine why he was doing this and where he got the idea from. But, once again, my nerves got in the way of asking any questions that I probably didn't even want to know the answer to. I waited until he fell asleep before i could even shut my eyes and, before I knew it, it was morning and I was still alive. As I awakened, I noticed that he was still snoring. Now was my chance to leave without his noticing, I didn't want to spend another minute with him while he was conscious. Leaving unnoticed didn't seem like a hard task. If his snoring didn't wake him up, the sound of my footsteps wouldn't either. I left him a note, informing him of where to find the keys for his locks after I was done using them, and I left. There were no signs of the Infected anywhere nearby. I guess Isaac's pile of dead was doing exactly what it was meant for.

After a two mile hike, there it was, the G.W Bridge (a two mile hike takes me all day because i take every precaution and i move extremely slowly, so not to attract any group of infected). Just over that bridge is the town of Leonia, where i planned on raising my angel, Elora. I found shelter just a few blocks from the bridge in an abandoned factory, and when I say "abandoned" I mean that I actually searched every inch for survivors and infected. When I wake up tomorrow, I know that there is just one final task, the home stretch. A mile's worth of bridge to cross and a mile of highway and I'll get to see her again. I'll get to see those beautiful blue eyes, that soft, bouncy strawberry blonde hair And those dimples, those adorable dimples.......

Monday, January 24, 2011

Even Michael Jordan Lost Games

[Sitting on the roof top of one of the projects buildings, looking out into the zombie infested Bronx Streets]

(Guitar String)

And here's the situation
Been to every nation

(Guitar String)
Nobody's ever made me feel the way that you do

You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude

(Guitar String)

But tonight I'm Impregnating you

(Jay MF Ruez Bachata Remix of tonight I’m loving you by Enrique Iglesias)

Hate it when I get so romantic and emotional and shit….. girls might start thinking that the Chosen One’s pimp hand is slipping, it’s not. But even Michael Jordan lost games, Daddy needs to relax this hardcore zombie killing and women loving poetic exterior sometimes J. I’ve been cooped up for too long, time to go out looking for Miss Awesome again. Apparently she’s been searching for me in all of the wrong places. It’s cool though, how many beautiful women have a good sense of direction? Not one Miss Universe had Archeology or Exploration as their favorite hobbies during the modeling competition questions, not a mothafukn one.

Hooked up the machetes, glasses, and Cutie (My Guitar). Today we going with the white button up, skinny Burberry tie, fresh light jeans, Black pea coat with the Burberry pattern interior, and Gucci slip on shoes. “Jay you trying to kill these people that are already dead!?!” LOOKING COOLER THAN A MOTHAFUKA, if I do say so myself J. This outfit is going to make the zombie girls all over NY chase me. That’s not surprising though, Daddy is the chosen one after all

Head out, no destination in particular in mind, you would think I would be more selective of where I’m going since there are thousands of people trying to kill me, I’m immature though, what can I say J. Walked by a McDonalds, God knows that those Golden Arches were the source of much joy in my life. “Big Mac, no vegetables” “Excuse me sir did you say no vegetables?” “Ahem, yes we like manly burgers here, none of the green bullshit.” Now for those healthy haters out there, riddle me this. How many vegetarians survived this zombie shit? Oooh not a 1? SHUT THE FUCK UP!

In the middle of reminiscing about my burger love I hear some giggling in a zombie tone. Use my peripheral and notice 7:50 and Rupaul playing pattie cake. And out of immature instinct I say “AINT NO MAN PLAYING NO MOTHAFUKN PATTICAKE” 7:50 caught himself and looked like a deer in headlights, he had that “his mother just caught him jerking off” surprised look on his face. Rupaul was consoling him, like “Its ok, Its ok. Jay MF Ruez just don’t undahstand us.” Seems like 7:50 remembered his gangster roots because he stood up and squared up as if he was about to give me the phone jack in jail knock-out punch. Unlike my last adventures I had had enough of running, I pulled out the machetes and said in the most gangster tone I could muster “I AINT LOOSING TO NO MOTHAFUKA PLAYIN PATTIeCAKE, SUCK MY… wait wait (this dude might take that as a request). BEEN DYING TO KILL ONE OF YOU FUCKS, BRING IT ON!” I started swinging the machetes but Rupaul and 7:50 were bobbing and weaving them as if they were Kun-Fu movie stars. Then I heard Rupaul giggle and I snapped, swung the shit out of machete in my right hand and cut off a piece of his wig, Rupaul let out a girly shriek. 7:50 went to console her and they started retreating. I very immaturely begin to chase them “NAH YA WAS TALKING SHIT, Jet-Li would fuck up Jackie Chan Any Day, Dodging me and SHIT. STOP RUNNING YOU B……..” Turned the corner to notice an entire zombie block party. These mothafuckas were having a town-hall meeting or something, probably to complain about me. “OOOOOO SHHHIIIIITTTTT!” I know I said no running but FUCK THAT. I was running so fast that when I looked behind me to see how close the zombies were I swear that I could see the bottom of my shoes. Turned a corner and broke the field of vision and slipped into an ally. Apparently this was Rupaul’s & 7:50s former date spot because they pointed in my direction with no hesitation.

Now there are zombies covering both my right and left exits. “Lord, I think this might be it, tell all the beautiful women that Daddy tried and” Shwoosh, A fire escape ladder drops in front of me and there is a chubby joint with a mustache and dirty white Nike uptowns (Do not ask me how I noticed so many details in that millisecond) waiting at the fire escape. I climbed the shit out of that ladder. 7:50 and Rupaul are holding each other, crying. I was still shaking so I didn’t even get a chance to even do my traditional awesome victory speech after getting away. This below average looking chick looks me in the eye and says,

“You are an idiot.”

And I very politely respond

“But I’m the mothafukn chosen one.”

“You are the what? Don’t give a fuck if you are Enrique Iglesias, now that you are safe, wait for the zombies to leave then get out.”

“What? (Why isn’t this chubby joint totally in love and trying to convince me to stay and fulfill the prophecy, albeit due to her looks she was definitely not included.)

“Did all that running make you deaf get out as soon as they leave.”

“Were you bitten”

she responds


“Are you…… blind?”,



“No What the fuck is it with all of the questions?”

I cannot believe that she was dumping me, ME!! JAY MF RUEZ, the legendary Jay MOTHAFUKN RUEZ, the chosen one.

“What’s your name?”

“None of your business, get out”

Bitch did not even give a name, I was honestly contemplating jumping into the zombie pool right then and there, this ugly chick just deaded me. In one of my best outfits mind you, cutie had no effect on her. How dare she! Zombies need to eat the shit out of her just based on principle, for having bad taste, dare I say no taste because even lesbians can’t resist Cutie (My Guitar).

Now Haters, even Jordan lost games, but I don’t ever remember him being blown out by 100 points in a game against one of the worst NBA teams, in this case they would have been handicap players in wheelchairs judging by how this girl looks. What haters need to remember though is that although Jordan didn’t win a championship every season of his career he is still considered one of the greatest athletes of all time. So fuck-it this was an unexpected loss. Your judgment of me is irrelevant, I’m the chosen one and ugly chicks were not part of the plan anyways, hence the prophecy had a loophole to justify this blasphemy. Kisses and Hugs Haters J.


Jay MF Ruez