Teenage Dream

So I’m set, got food, check, got machetes, double mothafukn check, got the ray-ban tortoise black shades so that when I bump into Miss Awesome she can’t notice that I’m staring at her and I look cool and disconnected and not caring and smoother than a mothafuka J, CHECK! Now what is interesting is that in the Zombie movies and books, they focus so much on the survivors preparing themselves for survival, however, they forget to mention how boring things get once things are set. There is no cable, no cell phones, no internet, no music and yes survivors…….. no porno (Its ok, its ok, I cried too. Just let the info sink in…… you will get stronger with time). There is no Facebook, therefore no digital stalking of girls, that if they knew the amount of times you have looked at their profile they would be inclined to call the police on you for harassment. No posts on your wall by girls that clearly know your girlfriend checks that shit, with super ambiguous statements like, “It was great seeing you.” You knowing that what they are really saying in that post is “Yea I wrote this on your wall mothfucka, and yea I know she reads it. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T CARE ABOUT WHAT SHE THINKS. Go ahead, be a bitch and erase this wall-post.”

After a few hours, I say fuck-it. The beautiful women in this world have been praying everyday for the chosen one to come chill with them. I can’t fight destiny, I must go out. New Addition to the Jay MF Ruez wardrobe, a bachata guitar (I call her Cutie), never know if I have to serenade Miss Awesome. Daddy is ready to go out, machetes, guitar and shades got me looking like Desperado, the Jet Li R&B singer version. Looking cooler then a mothafucka, if I do say so myself. Jumped into a Toyota Prius, hybrid (Fuck you, don’t judge me…….. men can drive small environment friendly cars J .) Turn on the car and Katie Perry’s “Teenage Dream” is blasting…… seems like whoever owned this car had good taste, Teenage Dream is the shit (Don’t judge me, J ). Drove a few blocks down and see a open liquor store, dam zombies are getting smarter setting up a trap like that for me. Drove around the block two times saw the coast was clear and decided, fuck-it. Parked the car across the street from the liquor store went in and started stocking up, Johnny Walker Blue, Rosay, Burgal (You can clean wounds with that shit), Grey Goose, Jamison, and can’t forget to stock up for my ladies, Nuvo. As I reach for that Nuvo bottle I hear some shuffling at the entrance of the store. Turn around and standing there are more than 10 zombies, staring at me. One of them had that judgmental look like, “Nuvo? For real Mang?” Old habits die hard so out of instinct I reply, “fuck you, it’s not even for me.” Gay zombie in the group gave me that Rupaul mmmhhhmmmm yea right grunt. BOOM they start running towards me. Note, in my mind I had envisioned this scenario many a time and I thought that when shit went down I was going to pull out these machetes and cut everything up like nothing. HOWEVER, all that came out was a high pitched OOOOOOOOOO SHIIIIITTTTTTT! Thank God this was a big store because I got the chance to run to the opposite of the store than ballerina spinned (Manly ballerina spin, fuck you don’t judge me) my way past the Rupal looking zombie in one of the aisles and jetted for the door. Got to the car “HAHA BITCHES, FUCK YA, CHASE ME WHILE I PLAY TEENAGE DREAM” Pat pat, where are the keys? Stop playing where are the keys! The group of zombies aren’t even running anymore they are walking up with the “WHAT HAPPENED PLAYA, YOU WAS TALKING SHIT WEREN’T YOU?” faces, the Rupaul dude looked like he was having the time of his life. VOOOM, I start jetting down the street so fast I thought my sneakers were going to catch on fire, the zombies followed suit right away with no hesitation. The Rupaul zombie was skipping yet moving along faster than all of the other zombies, made no fucking sense. I see the gated construction site that saved me last time and I jump the shit out of it again (Hold that haters, the first time was not a fluke). Turn around and start talking shit, “HAHA, what happened to all the laughing? YA WERE TALKING SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAUGHING? SUP WITH YOU RUPAUL YOU WAS TALKING SHIT, skipping after me laughing and shit.” Zombies look at each other like oh he’s talking shit now? I start walking away “Ya lucky I’m in a good mood and I don’t machete the shit out of ya, Clink clink clink, turn around, they are over the gate!! High pitched OOOOO SHIIIITTTTTTTTTTT and I pphheeeuuummmmeeeddd out of there. Had no idea I had this kind of stamina, better question is where the fuck do they get theirs. Turn corner, turn corner, pheum pheum, turn corner, turn corner. And then out of my peripheral I notice a dodge challenger with the door open (Fuck-it lets gamble this, I am the chosen one, I know the lord left the key in the car). Michael Jackson side-spinned to the car, jumped in, THE KEY WAS THERE! Looked up and said “DADDY IS STILL HERE LADIES, Lord send the beautiful women a sign or something, salvation is still in effect!” Drove away, middle finger through the sun-roof, Teenage Dream starts blasting out the speakers as well, apparently the owner of this car had good taste too (Fuck you don’t judge me, that song is awesome)

Love,

Jay MF Ruez